Saturday night: no sleep. Instead, pedaling along with 1400 other cyclists all through the night. Just an empty road, lots of bike lights blinking in the pitch black, lots of laughter and friendly people. The sound of bike chains rolling on the cogs, the sound of changing gears, the bats flying above our heads. And then the sunrise, not dramatic, just slowly creeping in, the night giving way to a new day. The cool morning on the pebbly beach, nothing but a tiny cafe - and bikes, an unbelievable number of bikes. Then the station, the train we were thrown out of ("Only four bikes allowed", said the conductor, and there were 50 or so), riding for another 30 miles to the nearest big station, pushing myself even more. Running on empty, grunting on the uphill parts, going against the wind. The train home, no time to sleep, talking to other fellow crazy people who did the Dunwich Dynamo this year.
An unforgettable night.
Now I know why some people say it's addictive. I can't wait for the next year's edition. Meanwhile, more cycling next weekend. And the weekend after that.
No change on the scales, I'm afraid; not yet. I turned into an Omnomnom Monster yesterday - I think it was the combination of lack of sleep, hunger, muscle pain and exhaustion that made me devour more than I should have. A total of 1200-1300 kcals, so not that bad really, but my stomach wasn't very happy. This is what happens when you get used to not having normal-sized meals.
Oh well.
Back to normal today (cereal with skimmed milk for breakfast, sushi for lunch, air for dinner), and I'm planning to visit the gym, too. And yes, I did cycle to work, ignoring the whines and complaints of my sore bum.
Still tired. Need sleep. Or more coffee. Or both.
Sunday, 25 July 2010
Thursday, 22 July 2010
So I can't go liquid all the way tomorrow.
Apparently, that would leave me with no energy for Saturday night's ride.
Oh well. I'll just stick to 1000. And so sorry, but the big pasta meal for dinner tomorrow won't be happening. In fact, dinner tomorrow won't be happening at all, period. Unless fat-free vanilla Activia counts for dinner, that is.
I'll stick to bran flakes with skimmed milk, sushi and a kiwi/strawberry smoothie. That, plus some coffee, should get me through the day.
If I stick to my usual pace, I should burn around 4000 kcals. How's that for a good workout, huh?
Oh well. I'll just stick to 1000. And so sorry, but the big pasta meal for dinner tomorrow won't be happening. In fact, dinner tomorrow won't be happening at all, period. Unless fat-free vanilla Activia counts for dinner, that is.
I'll stick to bran flakes with skimmed milk, sushi and a kiwi/strawberry smoothie. That, plus some coffee, should get me through the day.
If I stick to my usual pace, I should burn around 4000 kcals. How's that for a good workout, huh?
Wednesday, 21 July 2010
I must be doing something right.
The black pencil skirt I couldn't take a step in is not so tight anymore.
My black satin trousers hang loose on my hips and thighs.
And my "measuring skirt" that I've had since I was 13... Well, let's just say it's done its job. It's roomy now, surprisingly big, it wraps around me easily and there's still some space left between it and my waist. I used to say to myself that if I fit into this skirt, I'll be thin enough.
I'm not.
Back to my master plan now: anything between 600 and 800 kcals a day, plus lots of exercise. Went to the gym this morning, then cycled to work. Recently I've been locking myself up in one of the shower cubicles during my lunch break and doing lunges and squats while reading a book. Any way is good to squeeze in some more exercise.
And the Dunwich Dynamo is approaching. I've just read some advice on how to prepare for the ride. One of them was to "eat a large pasta meal the night before". I find it difficult to even think about eating a large meal of any sort, let alone pasta, in the evening, but if that's what it takes, I might give it a try.
120 miles. At night. With no medical or logistical support whatsoever. Sounds crazy? Well, I'm crazy enough to do it.
I just hope I'm strong enough to get to the end.
My black satin trousers hang loose on my hips and thighs.
And my "measuring skirt" that I've had since I was 13... Well, let's just say it's done its job. It's roomy now, surprisingly big, it wraps around me easily and there's still some space left between it and my waist. I used to say to myself that if I fit into this skirt, I'll be thin enough.
I'm not.
Back to my master plan now: anything between 600 and 800 kcals a day, plus lots of exercise. Went to the gym this morning, then cycled to work. Recently I've been locking myself up in one of the shower cubicles during my lunch break and doing lunges and squats while reading a book. Any way is good to squeeze in some more exercise.
And the Dunwich Dynamo is approaching. I've just read some advice on how to prepare for the ride. One of them was to "eat a large pasta meal the night before". I find it difficult to even think about eating a large meal of any sort, let alone pasta, in the evening, but if that's what it takes, I might give it a try.
120 miles. At night. With no medical or logistical support whatsoever. Sounds crazy? Well, I'm crazy enough to do it.
I just hope I'm strong enough to get to the end.
Monday, 19 July 2010
Surprise, surprise.
After 5 days of eating around 1000 kcals a day I haven't gained a single pound. Which is good news.
The bad news is I haven't lost anything either. But now it's back to normal, back to my usual work/gym/home/feeding everyone but myself pattern. The party's over, time to get to work again.
And I will.
Sophie passed on the Blogger Addict Award to me, so I shall comply and reveal my five pet hates and five greatest loves. So:
J'adore:
- cycling, especially long distances. I guess I just like putting my endurance to the test.
- high heels. I can't live without them, I feel naked in flats.
- my two completely mental cats. Oh, what the hell, I love all cats in general.
- those balmy nights by the Thames when sitting on my balcony and watching the city lights seems to be the best thing on Earth.
- books. Need I say more?
Je deteste:
- reality TV. I can think of many nicer things to waste my time on.
- people who text while crossing the road and completely ignore me when I ring my bell to warn them. I'm sure one of those of days I'll hit one of them. And I won't even be sorry.
- cargo pants. Perhaps there are some people out there who look good in them. I'm not one of them.
- looking at my bank balance around the end of the month. Ouch.
- nosy people who insist on giving you advice, even though you never asked for it.
Five fab people I'd like to pass this on to are:
Hazy, because I'm curious of your answers,
Pretty Wreck, because reading you is pure delight,
Kristal, because sometimes you remind me of... well, the younger me,
Kemper, because you deserve it,
Lund3on, because you're a rebel and I've always had a soft spot for rebels.
Friday, 16 July 2010
Two days of eating dangerously.
And somehow I still managed to lose almost a pound. Yee-haw!
Plus, I have an enormous hangover today (from all the wine we got on the house last night), which means I can't even think about food at the moment. If it wasn't for the headache, I'd actually enjoy being hungover.
I was supposed to go for a day trip with friends today, but, to be honest, I don't really feel like going anywhere now. I'd rather stay home and watch the cats play. They have a new favourite game: one cat hides behind the curtain and the other one paws it frantically. Sometimes I'd like to be a cat. I'm sure they appreciate life's simple pleasures.
Plus, I have an enormous hangover today (from all the wine we got on the house last night), which means I can't even think about food at the moment. If it wasn't for the headache, I'd actually enjoy being hungover.
I was supposed to go for a day trip with friends today, but, to be honest, I don't really feel like going anywhere now. I'd rather stay home and watch the cats play. They have a new favourite game: one cat hides behind the curtain and the other one paws it frantically. Sometimes I'd like to be a cat. I'm sure they appreciate life's simple pleasures.
Thursday, 15 July 2010
Fuck.
Double fuck. With cherry on top.
Yes, it's lovely when they remember your birthday at work. Yes, it's delightful when they want to celebrate it with you. But why, oh, why do they have to do it with a chocolate cake? A fat-free yoghurt would do just fine.
I'm going to need an extra punishing workout tomorrow. And a liquid fast until the evening.
Good thing the picnic on Saturday's canceled. We're going to do some sightseeing in Hampton Court instead. Sightseeing = walking = burning calories. I'm always up for burning calories. Plus, I'm going to do a water and green tea fast. If the girls ask too many questions, I'll just tell them I'm too hungover to eat. That always sounds better than "Sorry, can't eat today, otherwise my arse is going to become the size of a double-decker bus".
It's going to be a long weekend.
Oh, and BTW, Monday's liquid, too. Boyfriend's at work, I'm off and plan to do some shopping and meet my sister. For a coffee. No muffin.
Yes, it's lovely when they remember your birthday at work. Yes, it's delightful when they want to celebrate it with you. But why, oh, why do they have to do it with a chocolate cake? A fat-free yoghurt would do just fine.
I'm going to need an extra punishing workout tomorrow. And a liquid fast until the evening.
Good thing the picnic on Saturday's canceled. We're going to do some sightseeing in Hampton Court instead. Sightseeing = walking = burning calories. I'm always up for burning calories. Plus, I'm going to do a water and green tea fast. If the girls ask too many questions, I'll just tell them I'm too hungover to eat. That always sounds better than "Sorry, can't eat today, otherwise my arse is going to become the size of a double-decker bus".
It's going to be a long weekend.
Oh, and BTW, Monday's liquid, too. Boyfriend's at work, I'm off and plan to do some shopping and meet my sister. For a coffee. No muffin.
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
They seem to love me dearly.
They cling to me, holding for dear life, not willing to let me go. They are perfectly happy where they are and I cannot persuade them to go away. They are completely, totally in love with me.
Oh, spare pounds, when will you understand that I don't need you and I don't want you?
Oh, spare pounds, when will you understand that I don't need you and I don't want you?
Monday, 12 July 2010
My world, my rules.
1. Whatever you eat, think about how many calories it contains.
2. No mindless munching. Ever.
3. Why bother eating when no-one's watching? You might as well bank the calories.
4. Chocolate is delicious, but fruit won't make your bum the size of a lorry.
5. Not hungry? Don't eat. Hungry? Have some water, wait for 20 minutes and see if you really were, or if it was just a craving.
6. If you can walk, don't stand. If you can move, don't sit.
7. Contrary to popular belief, you can function pretty damn well on liquids.
8. There's no such thing as a bad day for the gym/cycling/jogging/swimming.
9. Healthy diet is good - for maintaining weight. You still have a lot to lose, so stick to your ways, at least for now.
10. Smile. There can't be anything wrong with you if you do, can there?
2. No mindless munching. Ever.
3. Why bother eating when no-one's watching? You might as well bank the calories.
4. Chocolate is delicious, but fruit won't make your bum the size of a lorry.
5. Not hungry? Don't eat. Hungry? Have some water, wait for 20 minutes and see if you really were, or if it was just a craving.
6. If you can walk, don't stand. If you can move, don't sit.
7. Contrary to popular belief, you can function pretty damn well on liquids.
8. There's no such thing as a bad day for the gym/cycling/jogging/swimming.
9. Healthy diet is good - for maintaining weight. You still have a lot to lose, so stick to your ways, at least for now.
10. Smile. There can't be anything wrong with you if you do, can there?
Sunday, 11 July 2010
Meticulous planning
It takes a long time to plan a meal out.
First, there's looking for a place that wouldn't be too dangerous. So, no Italian, no Indian, no place where you know they have tempting desserts. You're strong, yes, but sometimes it's not enough.
Then, it's looking at menus. Checking calorie contents, comparing options, deciding ahead what you can and cannot have. You know you should let it go, at least once in a while, but you just can't stop playing the numbers game. You count, you cut, you plan.
Then, it's time to put on a mask. Smile, laugh, pretend you're making decisions on the spot, just like other people do. If you're lucky, you might just skip the starter, go straight to mains and then leave half of your food on the plate. After all, when everyone's busy chatting and socializing, they might not notice. Desserts? Not for you. You're stuffed, you're full, you can't handle any more. That one meal, the only meal of the day, was almost too much anyway.
It would be so much easier not to think about it, not to obsess so much, but somehow you find it difficult to let yourself go.
So, you plan. Meticulously. Because eating is like going to war.
First, there's looking for a place that wouldn't be too dangerous. So, no Italian, no Indian, no place where you know they have tempting desserts. You're strong, yes, but sometimes it's not enough.
Then, it's looking at menus. Checking calorie contents, comparing options, deciding ahead what you can and cannot have. You know you should let it go, at least once in a while, but you just can't stop playing the numbers game. You count, you cut, you plan.
Then, it's time to put on a mask. Smile, laugh, pretend you're making decisions on the spot, just like other people do. If you're lucky, you might just skip the starter, go straight to mains and then leave half of your food on the plate. After all, when everyone's busy chatting and socializing, they might not notice. Desserts? Not for you. You're stuffed, you're full, you can't handle any more. That one meal, the only meal of the day, was almost too much anyway.
It would be so much easier not to think about it, not to obsess so much, but somehow you find it difficult to let yourself go.
So, you plan. Meticulously. Because eating is like going to war.
Saturday, 10 July 2010
Whoops, I did it again.
I cycled to Brighton. It was a wonderful, hot day with a bit of a breeze to cool us down. A good, fast-paced group of cyclists. Not much food (still under 1000) and plenty of water. I managed to ride all the way up Ditchling Beacon. A 15-minute, slow, painful climb, but the views from the top made up for the exhaustion. In Brighton, some people decided to go for a swim in the sea. I didn't go; I still feel very self-conscious about how I look in a swimsuit. We went to a pub, ate (some of us), drank (most of us) and headed back home on a train.
And I still haven't had enough of cycling. I rode from the station. Another 9 miles to add to the daily balance.
Very, very proud of myself.
Dunwich Dynamo is in two weeks and I'm getting more excited by the minute.
And I still haven't had enough of cycling. I rode from the station. Another 9 miles to add to the daily balance.
Very, very proud of myself.
Dunwich Dynamo is in two weeks and I'm getting more excited by the minute.
Friday, 9 July 2010
Bright and early.
I'm a morinng person. I can't help it. My body is used to early starts and there's no way I could sleep longer than until 6am.
So, up already, had my breakfast (Weight Watchers vanilla yoghurt, a boiled egg, a slice of Ryvita with light cream cheese) and a proper espresso (instant coffee is one of my pet hates), and now I'm ready to cycle to Brighton. That's over 60 miles cycling. And over 2000 kcals burned. Plus, it's good fun. What's not to like?
Just finished reading Marya Hornbacher's "Wasted" again and, again, I am amazed by the sharpness of her mind and the brilliance of her writing. What I really like is that she's not preaching, not giving the reader a nice, neat, clean ending but instead makes you wonder about the implications of having an eating disorder and its influence on life. I've read quite a few books on the subject, but none of them moved me so much, none of them was as real and harsh and brutal as this one. It's not a typical teenage diary of a perfect little girl who wants to be even more perfect. It's not a sob story with a miracle at the end. It's a honest picture, and it's scary. Some people claim it may be "triggering". Triggering, my arse. Terrifying, more like.
Oh, and by the way, I was 124.3 this morning. So it looks like I was right to buy this dress!
So, up already, had my breakfast (Weight Watchers vanilla yoghurt, a boiled egg, a slice of Ryvita with light cream cheese) and a proper espresso (instant coffee is one of my pet hates), and now I'm ready to cycle to Brighton. That's over 60 miles cycling. And over 2000 kcals burned. Plus, it's good fun. What's not to like?
Just finished reading Marya Hornbacher's "Wasted" again and, again, I am amazed by the sharpness of her mind and the brilliance of her writing. What I really like is that she's not preaching, not giving the reader a nice, neat, clean ending but instead makes you wonder about the implications of having an eating disorder and its influence on life. I've read quite a few books on the subject, but none of them moved me so much, none of them was as real and harsh and brutal as this one. It's not a typical teenage diary of a perfect little girl who wants to be even more perfect. It's not a sob story with a miracle at the end. It's a honest picture, and it's scary. Some people claim it may be "triggering". Triggering, my arse. Terrifying, more like.
Oh, and by the way, I was 124.3 this morning. So it looks like I was right to buy this dress!
Thursday, 8 July 2010
I have a confession to make.
(Cue drum rolls and trumpets.)
Here goes: I don't binge. Ever. I just never really feel like stuffing myself with so much food I could burst. I wish I could say I understand the mechanisms of binging. I don't.
The closest I ever get to a binge is eating a 2-course meal. Even then, I count calories in my head, I hardly ever clear the plate and I control myself completely. Oh, did I mention that I don't eat for the whole day before said meal? Well, I don't. That's the only way to convince myself it's OK to actually sit down and eat once in a while.
I don't purge either. I did try laxatives, but they didn't work for me, I only felt dizzy with dehydration and very, very weak. Vomiting was never an option. I just can't do it and that's it. As for overexercising, I don't think I'm prone to that, either, although some of my couch potato friends would beg to differ. Oh well, they're happy sitting on the sofa and chewing on another Mars bar, I'm happy on my bike, enjoying the fresh air. So what if I sometimes cycle for 6-7 hours straight? I enjoy it and that's all. The fact that cycling burns shitloads of calories is a bonus.
Weight is still at 125 pounds and I decided not to wait any longer to reward myself. Instead of a top, I bought a fab dress from Asos. I'm planning to wear it to my birthday party. Well, one of the four (sic!) I'm having this year. Crikey, I never thought the older you get, the more birthday outings you have. But then, it's quite logical, because the older you get, the more people you meet.
Oh, and my boyfriend decided to get rid of his belly and he's on a diet, too. Which is good, as he's going to be more focused on changes in his own body than those in mine. Just peachy.
Here goes: I don't binge. Ever. I just never really feel like stuffing myself with so much food I could burst. I wish I could say I understand the mechanisms of binging. I don't.
The closest I ever get to a binge is eating a 2-course meal. Even then, I count calories in my head, I hardly ever clear the plate and I control myself completely. Oh, did I mention that I don't eat for the whole day before said meal? Well, I don't. That's the only way to convince myself it's OK to actually sit down and eat once in a while.
I don't purge either. I did try laxatives, but they didn't work for me, I only felt dizzy with dehydration and very, very weak. Vomiting was never an option. I just can't do it and that's it. As for overexercising, I don't think I'm prone to that, either, although some of my couch potato friends would beg to differ. Oh well, they're happy sitting on the sofa and chewing on another Mars bar, I'm happy on my bike, enjoying the fresh air. So what if I sometimes cycle for 6-7 hours straight? I enjoy it and that's all. The fact that cycling burns shitloads of calories is a bonus.
Weight is still at 125 pounds and I decided not to wait any longer to reward myself. Instead of a top, I bought a fab dress from Asos. I'm planning to wear it to my birthday party. Well, one of the four (sic!) I'm having this year. Crikey, I never thought the older you get, the more birthday outings you have. But then, it's quite logical, because the older you get, the more people you meet.
Oh, and my boyfriend decided to get rid of his belly and he's on a diet, too. Which is good, as he's going to be more focused on changes in his own body than those in mine. Just peachy.
Wednesday, 7 July 2010
Elated
I honestly don't know how it happened, but I saw 125.0 on the scale this morning!
OK, I know how this happened: for the last two days, I consumed almost exclusively liquids. So that might have something to do with the sudden weight loss. Weird: I still feel strong, no dizziness, no weakness, a clear mind. That's good.
This morning I had breakfast (bowl of Special K with skimmed milk and 4 prunes), I made myself a sandwich for lunch (my boyfriend teases me about my sandwiches, which usually consist of 2 slices of Ryvita, some light cream cheese and a slice of lean cooked ham) and I'll have an apple and a clementine. That's the whole lot.
And if my weight doesn't go up until Monday, I'll do as I promised and buy myself a nice top.
I'll be going back home to see the family in September. Note to self: must get skinny before September. Another note to self: must stay skinny while there. My mum is a serial dieter, so she'll be very understanding. She knows I had some serious problems with food as a teenager, but she firmly believes that I'm old enough to get it right this time.
That's a relief.
OK, I know how this happened: for the last two days, I consumed almost exclusively liquids. So that might have something to do with the sudden weight loss. Weird: I still feel strong, no dizziness, no weakness, a clear mind. That's good.
This morning I had breakfast (bowl of Special K with skimmed milk and 4 prunes), I made myself a sandwich for lunch (my boyfriend teases me about my sandwiches, which usually consist of 2 slices of Ryvita, some light cream cheese and a slice of lean cooked ham) and I'll have an apple and a clementine. That's the whole lot.
And if my weight doesn't go up until Monday, I'll do as I promised and buy myself a nice top.
I'll be going back home to see the family in September. Note to self: must get skinny before September. Another note to self: must stay skinny while there. My mum is a serial dieter, so she'll be very understanding. She knows I had some serious problems with food as a teenager, but she firmly believes that I'm old enough to get it right this time.
That's a relief.
Tuesday, 6 July 2010
Not a "porcelain butterfly"
Good news: after what seemed to be an endless plateau, I saw 127.2 on the scale this morning. I wanted to jump for joy, but didn't want to risk waking up the neighbours.
Bad news: my birthday is approaching fast and all of a sudden everyone wants to go out with me and have something to eat. So I have to brace myself for impact and prepare for gaining some weight. On the other hand, if I don't eat anything for the whole day and stick to safe options while out, I might - just might - be able to get through it with minimal damage.
I'm reading a lot of blogs and websites on disordered eating these days. There seems to be an ongoing trend for worshipping anorexia nervosa, especially among very young women. Even though I do have a weird relationship with food, I'm not one of those pro-ana types, who call themselves "butterflies" and pray to "ana". Pro-skinny, yes. But why would I want to delve even deeper into the twisted world of ED? Self-destruction was not and is not my intention. I want to be skinny, but I also want to stay strong. What's the point of losing weight if all you can do after that is sit in your room, stare at your tiny arms and hate yourself more and more?
Bad news: my birthday is approaching fast and all of a sudden everyone wants to go out with me and have something to eat. So I have to brace myself for impact and prepare for gaining some weight. On the other hand, if I don't eat anything for the whole day and stick to safe options while out, I might - just might - be able to get through it with minimal damage.
I'm reading a lot of blogs and websites on disordered eating these days. There seems to be an ongoing trend for worshipping anorexia nervosa, especially among very young women. Even though I do have a weird relationship with food, I'm not one of those pro-ana types, who call themselves "butterflies" and pray to "ana". Pro-skinny, yes. But why would I want to delve even deeper into the twisted world of ED? Self-destruction was not and is not my intention. I want to be skinny, but I also want to stay strong. What's the point of losing weight if all you can do after that is sit in your room, stare at your tiny arms and hate yourself more and more?
Getting somewhere?
A guy that fixes our computers at work has just popped in a few minutes ago.
'Wow', he said when he saw me, 'you've lost a lot of weight! You look like one of those fashion models. What's your secret?'
'Oh, I just eat less', I answered, 'and I cycle a lot'.
Technically speaking, I told him the truth. I didn't feel the need to divulge what 'less' means.
Did I believe his words? Not really. But they made me feel a bit better about myself. Good enough to skip lunch, actually.
No gym this morning; instead, I exercised at home, while watching 'Supersize vs Superskinny'. I have a thing for this show. I especially like the moment when the doctor puts all the stuff that his patients eat in a giant tube. When I see the supersizers' food, a disgusting mix of sausage, fried noodles, white bread, refined meats, crisps, chips, greasy sauces, mayonnaise and fizzy drinks, I feel sick and can't even think about eating.
So, TV is not always bad for you.
'Wow', he said when he saw me, 'you've lost a lot of weight! You look like one of those fashion models. What's your secret?'
'Oh, I just eat less', I answered, 'and I cycle a lot'.
Technically speaking, I told him the truth. I didn't feel the need to divulge what 'less' means.
Did I believe his words? Not really. But they made me feel a bit better about myself. Good enough to skip lunch, actually.
No gym this morning; instead, I exercised at home, while watching 'Supersize vs Superskinny'. I have a thing for this show. I especially like the moment when the doctor puts all the stuff that his patients eat in a giant tube. When I see the supersizers' food, a disgusting mix of sausage, fried noodles, white bread, refined meats, crisps, chips, greasy sauces, mayonnaise and fizzy drinks, I feel sick and can't even think about eating.
So, TV is not always bad for you.
Monday, 5 July 2010
Head pounding.
Didn't have a lot of sleep this weekend. Didn't have a lot of food, either. It's hard to focus on anything else when you have two cats running wild all over the flat.
Weight is still the same, but I'm sure it won't be long until I see another drop. My pencil skirt, which I wear at work, is already a bit looser on the hips. The waistband is barely touching my body. It's a big mood lifter.
Spent the morning at the gym (elliptical, treadmill, some arm and ab work). Breakfast was a bowl of Special K with skimmed milk, I have some home-made tomato soup for lunch. I'll have to eat something in the evening, as my partner will be home, so I bought a box of raspberries for dinner. I'd love to do a liquid fast for two or three days, but it's nearly impossible at the moment. Too dangerous; I don't want him to know, I don't want him to suspect anything.
So far, the hiding's going good. I eat when he's around - the usual, low-calorie, diet stuff which he got used to me eating. Little does he know that when he's not, I stay away from food. Do I feel guilty? To be honest, I don't. I know a relationship should be based on trust, but I also know everyone has their little secrets. This is mine. It's not like I'm sleeping with someone else. It's just a little love affair with madness.
Weight is still the same, but I'm sure it won't be long until I see another drop. My pencil skirt, which I wear at work, is already a bit looser on the hips. The waistband is barely touching my body. It's a big mood lifter.
Spent the morning at the gym (elliptical, treadmill, some arm and ab work). Breakfast was a bowl of Special K with skimmed milk, I have some home-made tomato soup for lunch. I'll have to eat something in the evening, as my partner will be home, so I bought a box of raspberries for dinner. I'd love to do a liquid fast for two or three days, but it's nearly impossible at the moment. Too dangerous; I don't want him to know, I don't want him to suspect anything.
So far, the hiding's going good. I eat when he's around - the usual, low-calorie, diet stuff which he got used to me eating. Little does he know that when he's not, I stay away from food. Do I feel guilty? To be honest, I don't. I know a relationship should be based on trust, but I also know everyone has their little secrets. This is mine. It's not like I'm sleeping with someone else. It's just a little love affair with madness.
Saturday, 3 July 2010
Mayhem and madness
This is what happens when you decide to get a second cat to keep your resident cat company.
Hissing, spitting and growling is the norm, apparently. So is temporary loss of appetite. Unfortunately, it doesn't affect me. I already managed to devour a handful of Special K cereals, a fat-free, sugar-free Shape yoghurt and five prunes.
Plus, I know now why my weight didn't go down for the past 4 days: my period has arrived this morning in all its glory. I still don't understand why I need it at all. I don't even want to have children.
This morning, though, I was pleased to see 128.3 lbs on the scale. That's progress!
My food plans for today include lots and lots of water with lemon ('I'm not hungry, sweetheart, I can't bear the thought of eating in this hot weather') and, perhaps, some tomato soup ('I had to try that new blender; no, I'm not in the mood for main course, but you go on, help yourself'). A friend is coming over for dinner. Very fortunate; with someone else around, my boyfriend will refrain from asking questions. After all, he's a polite chap.
Off to the gym now. Shame to waste such a lovely day for being lazy.
Hissing, spitting and growling is the norm, apparently. So is temporary loss of appetite. Unfortunately, it doesn't affect me. I already managed to devour a handful of Special K cereals, a fat-free, sugar-free Shape yoghurt and five prunes.
Plus, I know now why my weight didn't go down for the past 4 days: my period has arrived this morning in all its glory. I still don't understand why I need it at all. I don't even want to have children.
This morning, though, I was pleased to see 128.3 lbs on the scale. That's progress!
My food plans for today include lots and lots of water with lemon ('I'm not hungry, sweetheart, I can't bear the thought of eating in this hot weather') and, perhaps, some tomato soup ('I had to try that new blender; no, I'm not in the mood for main course, but you go on, help yourself'). A friend is coming over for dinner. Very fortunate; with someone else around, my boyfriend will refrain from asking questions. After all, he's a polite chap.
Off to the gym now. Shame to waste such a lovely day for being lazy.
Thursday, 1 July 2010
One-track mind
'I might have to go to New Jersey to visit my mum this year', he says.
'I'll miss you', she replies.
But in her mind, there's a plan forming. Liquid fast, severe restricting, more than enough exercise. Without his oh-so-watchful gaze, without his questions, she'll be able to do it her way, at least for a while.
'I wish you didn't have to go', she lies.
'I know', he answers, free of suspicion.
'I'll miss you', she replies.
But in her mind, there's a plan forming. Liquid fast, severe restricting, more than enough exercise. Without his oh-so-watchful gaze, without his questions, she'll be able to do it her way, at least for a while.
'I wish you didn't have to go', she lies.
'I know', he answers, free of suspicion.
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